Moustache Guinea Pig
by Ashleybuscus
Summary: Funny little story about a were-guineapig called Howard. With a moustache. The guinea pig, not the story. Made up by me and my wonderful mum. rated T for language


**I do not own the mighty boosh. Unfortunatly.**

***This story is dedicated to my Mum, a huge fan of the Boosh. And would love to kiss Noel***

Moustached Guinea Pig

"Vince!"

Howard yelled at me. Oh my God, all I'd done was pushed the Lion over the log to see what would happen!

Ok, so the lion is suffering from a broken hip and spine, but still!

"Look, Howard, it'll recover in no-time! C'mon!"

"It's only living by life support!"

"Shut up. Look, let's go and feed the small mammals, like Fossil said, take your mind off it."

We wandered over to the short row of hutches. I took care of the mice and hamsters, while Howard got the Guinea Pigs under control. I dont like Guinea Pigs. They confuse me. Why dont they have curly tails and little snouts...

"OW!"

Howard let out a cry of pain.

"What's happened?"

"The bloody Guinea Pig..."

"Oh God, did it bite you? Which one?"

"The...Creepy...one...with...one...eye!"

"Oh God! Let me see."

To my suprise, the bite was letting out a lot of blood. More like a were-wolf bite than a guinea pig bite.

"Ok, that's pretty bad. Let's get you a plaster from the medical cupboard."

* * *

><p>It was a full moon that night. Me and Howard took out our duvets so we could lay on them, and gaze at the sky.<p>

"Ah, the moon; the most knowledgeable one in the universe. You could ask it anything- and it will have the answer." Howard said, his plastared hands behind his head.

"Anything?"

"Yes, Vince, anything."

"Ok, Moon, where can I get some hairspray thats really stong, but dosen't show the thickness on your scalp.

"No, I meant more sciency questions like-"

"Howard, I'm asking the moon a question!"

We looked at the sky.

* * *

><p><em>I'm the moon. The full moon. The mysterious moon who turnes humans into dogs, or some other kind of animal. I'm in the Thriller video, by Michel Jackson! I'm in the part where he goes into the film and goes all whiskery. We had a pint afterwards.<em>

* * *

><p>I was a bit dissapointed. "The wisest one in the universe? Is about as wise as Leroy after several pints of poster paint!"<p>

"Well, I've never had a conversation with the Moon, thank you very much!"

After a short while, Howard checked his gold wristwatch.

"Ooo, midight soon." he said. Oh no, My favorite show, Carlos the Crab, was on at midnight, and we were over 3 miles from the zoo.

"When?"

"3 seconds."

"Ok, lets be off."

"3, 2, 1-"

I heard the last BONG of the church bell go off.

And thats where it started.

First it was the ears, then the teeth, then the fingernails. They'd all started to grow pointier. Then his face started to grow short, black fur. Then his puipls grew until they dominated the colour bit, then the white bit. Then his ears whent week and floppy.

I watched him scamper on all fours towards the zoo.

Oh my God.

Howard had turned ito a were-guinea pig!

* * *

><p><em>People say that the Moon landing with Neil Armtrong was a fake. They say that, and they tell big lies. I know that the moon landing was real because Neil walked up my nose, and I think he stood in dog shit before the takey offy part, because I've had a really bad smell up my nose ever since.<em>

* * *

><p>We all hid in Naboo's kiosk. Howard had gone on the rampage around the zoo, and he'd gotton worse. By now his whole body was covered in fur, and his legs were shrinking into his growing belly. No-one could tell it was him. So Fossil ordered his execution by security!<p>

"Ok, the big fat-floopy-eared-short-legged-bastard-"

"Guinea pig!" I intrupted.

"Yeah, whatever, it's killing the zoo. It's already smashed the aquarium, and, ate five monkey's eyes, straight from the sockets. And, unfortunately, it has cut of the lion's life support system."

The staff went silent for a moment, mourning the tragic loss of one of our own.

"Anyway, if this continues, we lose population, and we lose visitors, and then we lose money. So, security, go run along with your animal killing machines and shoot it!"

Of course, I wasn't going to let this happen. Not to my best friend. So I turned to the only person I knew could help-

"Hey, Naboo." I said.

"Ok, what do you wan't?"

"Well, you know that massive guinea pig?"

"...Yeah?"

"Well, it kinda might be Howard?"

"WHAT?"

"Look, it wasn't my fault! We were feeding the small mammals earlier and-"

"Oh no, he got bitten by the one eyed one, didn't he?"

"Yeah, and now they're gonna kill him! What do we do?"

"Well, there is one cure...but your not gonna like it."

"Tell me! TELL ME!"

* * *

><p>I sat there, feeding Howard a dandelion. Naboo couldn't do anything else but turn him into a real guinea pig.<p>

So now I was keeping him as a pet.

He could still understand me, and twitch once for yes and twice for no.

And even though he was a guinea pig, I'd treat him like a person.

I'd make him little tweed jackets and brown shorts, and gave him a pair of tiny reading glasses so he could read some Chekov.

And the thing is,

he still has a moustache.

But he does eat his own poo which is a bit...

**Well, thats the end of THAT story,**

**I love you Mum xxx**

**here is a virtual cupcake (it is sideways)**

**[}**


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